A Fashion Plea: Please Bring Back the Necktie
Author: Bill Roberts
Didn’t know how much I missed them,
neckties, those frivolous silky
adornments us men used to cinch
around our necks most mornings as if
practicing for a hanging party at work.
Then, quite slowly and mysteriously,
they began to disappear all over the country,
except of course in the big cities
where hangings are still the norm
in board rooms and social clubs.
Had I to wear one, to my funeral, for instance,
I wouldn’t even know how to tie one one -
a tie I mean, not a big drunk which someday
will probably be my means of escaping
this curious world of fashion abnormalities.
But I want the necktie to come back, I do indeed.
Not for the reason you may suspect.
Oh no, not to be worn around the neck.
Rather, to be used as a belt after raising boys’
pants about eight inches to cover up underwear.
(Published online in the February 2009 issue of Lunarosity Magazine)
Note: Being retired and living so effortlessly in Colorado as I now do, my hundred or more neckties rest in a box, neatly folded, perhaps never again to be worn about the neck. I am saving them for the first drive – Salvation Army, let me hear from you – that swears these instruments of torture will be put to use to raise the standards of pants on teenagers. I have no interest in looking at underwear worn by teens, male or female. Those thongs girls wear are equally unpleasant, and maybe my old-fashioned, wider, more flamboyant neckwear could be used somehow to supplement their skimpiness. Damn, I must be getting old….
December 31st, 2009 at 12:04 am
Hilarious and oh so true! I hate wearing them around my neck but am sometimes required, I do, however, keep my pants up to my waist and I’m a lot younger than you.