Bill Roberts, Poet

A Fashion Plea: Please Bring Back the Necktie

Author: Bill Roberts

Didn’t know how much I missed them,

neckties, those frivolous silky

adornments us men used to cinch

around our necks most mornings as if

practicing for a hanging party at work.

Then, quite slowly and mysteriously,

they began to disappear all over the country,

except of course in the big cities

where hangings are still the norm

in board rooms and social clubs.

Had I to wear one, to my funeral, for instance,

I wouldn’t even know how to tie one one -

a tie I mean, not a big drunk which someday

will probably be my means of escaping

this curious world of fashion abnormalities.

But I want the necktie to come back, I do indeed.

Not for the reason you may suspect.

Oh no, not to be worn around the neck.

Rather, to be used as a belt after raising boys’

pants about eight inches to cover up underwear.

(Published online in the February 2009 issue of Lunarosity Magazine)

Note:  Being retired and living so effortlessly in Colorado as I now do, my hundred or more neckties rest in a box, neatly folded, perhaps never again to be worn about the neck.  I am saving them for the first drive – Salvation Army, let me hear from you – that swears these instruments of torture will be put to use to raise the standards of pants on teenagers.  I have no interest in looking at underwear worn by teens, male or female.  Those thongs girls wear are equally unpleasant, and maybe my old-fashioned, wider, more flamboyant neckwear could be used somehow to supplement their skimpiness.  Damn, I must be getting old….

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 12th, 2009 at 10:18 am and is filed under Aging, Fashion, Human Nature, Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.